When Feeling Bad Is Good.
I like to think of myself as an optimistic person; but there are days I feel anxious, stressed out and once in a while even run down. At these times I talk to friends- sometimes for suggestions and sometimes just to air my feelings.
Of late I’ve been noticing a wave of the ‘Good Vibes Only’ approach — Dismissing the difficult and hard to deal with emotions and putting on a falsely positive façade.
When I talk of a difficult situation, well-meaning friends are quick to quip, ‘Don’t worry…it will be fine’ or ‘Be positive’ or ‘Look on the bright side’ .
As well intentional these statements may be, I find them counterproductive and in fact quite irritating. It makes me feel even more awful about feeling awful!
Psychologists refer to this as Toxic Positivity or FONO [fear of negative outlook]— an overgeneralisation of happiness. Being cheerful even you feel just the opposite. Keeping buoyant amid distress!
No doubt being optimistic has its value in getting through distressing times; But giving in to a culture of ‘Always Sunshine and Rainbows’…..that’s Exhausting; The pressure it puts on people to have to always be upbeat is draining.
Right now, with the anxiety and uncertainty that most of us face, the assumption that we should ‘always be positive’ invalidates our emotions, leading to feelings of shame and embarrassment for having negative feelings.
Here are completely appropriate emotions, and yet the message you get is, to mask them with a cloak of fake positivity.
Consider this scenario- you lose your job , it’s only natural that you feel awful . Reminding you to be grateful that your health is fine or that you have a good amount of savings, or that you are in a better privileged position than many others does not help with the disillusionment or anxiety that you may be facing. It makes you feel that your feelings are ignored, dismissed and invalidated. It could even make you doubt your own self and your responses to the happenings around you.
As human beings we feel the whole range of emotions, right from happiness to jealousy to greed to sadness to anger and so forth. Every feeling is mentionable and manageable
Why do we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience the entire range of emotions — something that we were meant to engage in?
Repressing ones true feelings make them bigger; Our negativity jar gets filled up with all the ‘can’t express feelings’ which leads to fatigue, stress, depression, anxiety and even physical illnesses.
The only healthy way to manage your feelings is to Recognise, Validate and Express them in an acceptable fashion. That’s cathartic.
Also it’s a mistaken belief to think that you can ease anothers pain by telling them to ‘Cheer up’ or ‘it will all be fine’ or motivational quotes . All they need is to be listened to; to have their feelings normalized and validated. You don’t always have to Band-Aid. Reflective listening and asking ‘Is there anything i can do’ is enough to help the other person feel lighter.
The world would feel so much kinder and safer if we switched off our toxic positivity and gave ourselves and others the permission to speak of the full spectrum of emotions — Good and Difficult.
