On Forgiveness….

Forgiveness - This is one word used very casually with little cognisance of the weight it carries.

‘Forgive the whole thing, Forgive her/yourself, Be the bigger person and forgive ’ are statements you hear so often from well-meaning friends; yet forgiveness is something that doesn’t come easily to the best of us. My guess is, that’s because Forgiveness is of an asymmetrical nature - Especially when the perpetrator is someone so close to your heart.

Feeling resentment when wronged comes naturally, and rightly so. It’s human instinct to want to get back at someone who has deeply wronged you.

Then why is Forgiveness glorified like it is?

It took me a while to understand this.

For long I sulked , held onto grudges, anger, sadness and blame. I mentally regurgitated all the awful things that this person said/did to me. I was inwardly chained to this person and her words. It was difficult to concentrate on anything except the pain and turmoil I was going through. Reliving all the pain repeatedly left me feeling trapped in a loop of anger and bitterness. It took me awhile to wise up to the fact that I was the one who chose to keep myself connected to this pain. I had a choice — I could forgive this person and move forward without resentment.

The idea sounded preposterous- forgive someone who hurt me so bad? Does such a person deserve to be forgiven ? I began to read all the available literature on forgiveness. The more I learnt of forgiveness the closer I was drawn to it. Yes it’s a virtue, a character strength but that’s not the reason I embraced it. It’s when I figured that the only way to free myself from the clutches of my negative thoughts was to forgive the person regardless of whether they deserved it or not- that’s when I decided to dive deep down into F street; Push myself to do something beyond what came instinctually to me.

Everyone talks of forgiving but nobody tells you how to go about it. Just saying aloud that I’ve have forgiven doesn’t help. So to go about it, was something I was clueless about. Emotionally doddering along on anything but a linear path I found my road, which I want to share with those of you who like to know of the experiences others have had.

I started small — by deciding not to talk adversely about the other person; either to myself or to others. It seems like a small thing but it softens your heart and mind and brings in the readiness for forgiveness.

I intentionally began to show compassion to the people I met in my everyday world; Building my compassion muscle helped prevent me from becoming overwhelmed by my distress.

Next I practiced developing empathy for the person who wronged me. Recognising that she has her own wounds which I may not be knowing of, helped soften my heart further and be more receptive to forgiveness.

What followed was a lot of soul searching, sifting through difficult emotions and finally there emerged the road towards acceptance.

I learnt that forgiveness needs time , patience and a strong resolve .There is no timeline for forgiveness. It takes its time meandering through bouts of anger, tears and sadness. Labouring under the tsunami wave of holding on to my pain, I began working on acceptance and self-compassion. In the horizon I saw forgiveness waiting patiently for me to reach there at my own time.

Today as I look back, there is no resentment — just a stillness in the place that held all the anger.

Forgiving doesn’t mean I condone what the person did, nor am I obligated to reconcile with the person; it only says -‘What you did is not ok, but I believe you are more than this and I don’t want to hold ourselves captive to this thing anymore.

Sometimes the person you need to forgive is yourself, for an action you have taken or harsh words you have said. Here again recognising that you are imperfect and developing self-compassion helps in soothing that nursery of guilt and remorse.

The choice I made to let go of bitterness freed me from the chains of anger and hostility.

It was a painful process of change. A change towards overall wellbeing and healing.

Releasing all that ill will that I was harbouring inside of me has been good for my health, my relationships and my soul, and that’s reason enough to convince anyone that it’s worth the while to do the work of ‘Letting Go’.

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.- Richard Moore